so this is Christmas...

...and what have we done?

This kept running through my mind yesterday,

esp. the part about "let's hope it's a good one,

without any fear." I don't know what Lennon was referring to

when he wrote the line -

but it feels like the right song to be humming

while this Rome of ours cracks in half.

I feel a quiet peace this year; so different than the last.

There's a weird duality to my daily life, a membrane between

the now and the ghosts of what was.

I do a lot of internal "la-la-la-la"-ing to keep

my head and heart from going places I'm not ready to go just yet...

as if there were protective

forces (Jedi knights), in my head telling me:

"this is not the thought you're looking for."

I'm grateful for this instinct to protect myself, to dissemble;

to buy time ahead of the inevitable.

Some days I can look Robert's death in the eye,

and others I just can't.

I'm getting a slow handle on it.

I'm hopeful that some other Romans will figure out the rest,

and I hope they get it right.